9 — 3

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0472033/

So, this movie was based off of a short that circulated the internets for quite some time. That one is not exactly a clear cut one but it the original.

Somebody somewhere decided that it would be an awesome idea to make a full length movie out of it. And they would have been right. Except that nothing from the short made it in the movie. Well the characters did, the dog monster thingy did, but none of the action from the short made it. And I have no idea why, that was one of the best shorts that I have ever seen. If they honestly would have just expanded the short, they would have cut down the amount of work they had to do while preserving what they already had.

Honestly this movie flat out sucked. I never thought that it would have been this crappy of a movie. I am severely disappointed, but that’s what I get going into this movie with expectations.

Base Score = 3
+1 for basing the movie off of a short that was amazing
-1 for not using anything in the short
= 3/10

Plan 9 from Outer Space, Rifftrax version — 2

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0052077/
http://www.rifftrax.com/rifftrax/plan-9-from-outer-space-three-riffer-edition

So this is honestly one of the most terribly movies I have ever seen in my whole life. I mean the movie itself (not the Rifftrax part) is soooooooo bad I cannot fully explain the shitiness of it. And to top it off, its supposed to be a sci-fi movie. Well shit on that because the movie itself is so bad that nothing can save it from itself.

Now At first I was assuming that the Rifftrax crew could actually make this into a decent movie, or at least have me laughing my ass off at a few points. The truth? I rarely even laughed at what they said. It was almost an homage to how bad the actually movie is that some of the terribleness rubbed off on the crew. Which says a lot coming from the group of people who reviewed Sci-Fi movies for a living in MST3K(Mystery Science Theatre 3000).

I honestly expected more out of the crew. They did however get me to watch the entire thing through without falling asleep, but I did at one point almost nod off.

All in all, avoid this movie and the Rifftrax does not help much, but if you must watch this movie, then please at least provide some sort of entertainment along with it.

Base Score (movie only) = 1
+1 for Rifftrax making the movie tolerable, but not better
=2/10

The Odd Couple — 8

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0063374/

This was yet another classic that I have never seen before, but my girlfriend sat me down to watch. The beginning was extremely slow, but it picked up in about 20 minutes into the movie.

Now it seems that every time I see a movie with Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau in it, that it seems to be a hit. There is something about how opposite these two guys are that they seem to play the best when they have opposing roles.

Basically the story is that Felix Ungar, played by Jack Lemmon, is getting a divorce after being married for 12 years. Oscar Madison, played by Walter Matthau, offers him a place to stay in his 8-bedroom apartment. No, I’m not kidding you; he literally has an 8-bedroom apartment in downtown New York. I don’t even want to know how much that sets him back a month.

Now Oscar is a huge slob and in the beginning of the movie it is completely trashed. Garbage everywhere, dead plants, can’t see the floor, etc. And it’s basically the hang out place for him and his friends when they go to play poker once a week. Well since Oscar has such a huge apartment and Felix was in the midst of getting a divorce, Oscar offered him a room. Well when Oscar woke up the next morning the apartment was spotless. Turns out that Felix is a so fucking OCD about cleaning that he’s the type of person that puts papers down after moping so that you don’t drag footprints across the floor.

This is onlyt the beginning of the chaos between these two guys. Think about it, a slob who likes it that way, and an OCD clean fucker. My god that’s just asking for trouble. Not to mention the fact that they are best friends.

It actually gets uncomfortable to watch after a while because you tend to side with one or the other. So it actually draws you into the movie more than you would ever think.

Base Score = 6
-1 for a slow into
+1 for Jack Lemmon and Waltar Matthau combo
+1 for opposites living with each other
+1 for dragging you in so far as to have to take sides.
=8/10

Forgetting Sarah Marshall — 9

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0800039/

So you know that one comedy movie that you saw before that looked crappy but ended up being funny as all hell? Yeah that’s this movie.

I really went into this movie not expecting anything even remotely funny in it with the exception of what I saw in the trailer. It turned out that the movie was way funnier than I ever expected it to be.

Now one thing to be weary of, was the male nudity. I did not see it coming, and even though I warned you, you will not see it coming either. It is awkward to see male nudity in any movie. But when it’s a decently famous guy on top of it, it throws you off even more. I was not prepared for it. However the massive amount of female nudity made up for it. I honestly would not have minded it whatsoever, but it came out of nowhere.

Now the plot of the movie is simple, but that’s where it leaves the best room for interpretation and it also allows you to focus on the comedy aspect more than anything. Basically its girl breaks up with dude. Dude breaks down because girl was already seeing someone else. Dude cries like a baby. Best friend of dude talks dude into going on vacation. Dude goes to vacation in Hawaii. Dude runs into ex-girl in Hawaii. Hilarity ensues. Really not a bad plot, and it was rather unexpectant at times.

Now let’s talk awesomeness. I never in my life have ever wanted to go to a puppet show in person until I saw this movie. It made me so excited with glee that after I was done watching I actually went on a search for the puppet show to see if it existed, and I was disappointed to find out that it was all made up. It was seriously that awesome and I have yet to meet a person who does not agree with me. I WANT TO SEE IT!

Really there is just so much to this movie that it’s hard to touch on everything. For it being such a simple plot they sure as hell packed a lot of stuff into it. But my biggest disappointment has to be that when I saw Mila Kunis tits in this movie, I had to find out if they were real or not. Turns out some dick did an amazing Photoshop job on it and the picture is indeed a fake. That made me make a sad face.

All in all though it was a damned good watch, I could honestly watch this movie 200 times and still find something else to laugh at. This is honestly one of the best comedies I have ever seen.

Base Score = 8
-1 for male nudity
+2 for lots of female nudity
+1 for Vampire puppet show
-1 for fake Mila Kunis tits.
= 9/10

The Incredibles — 10

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0317705/

So what? We had a Pixar day and sat down to watch a bunch of Pixar Movies. It was way more than I was expecting, but it was a day full of awesomeness.

Now the first time I saw this I was not impressed with it. I was in my “WTF? This isn’t a real comic book super hero thing! They are just ripping off all the good heroes!” phase. But I gave up on that this time around and found this movie to be wayyyyyy cooler the second time around without that old way of thinking.

I greatly appreciated the opening. It all made it seem like if there were actually super heroes in the world; this was exactly what would happen to them. Not exactly like the X-Men but close enough to see that they based the idea of the movie off of it.

The other thing that got to me was how well all of the family members used their powers together. It was amazing really. Every time they did something together it was more awesome than the last time. I also like how in depth they went into each person powers with the little amount of time that the movie ran for.

The ‘Villain’ was not that bad either. I liked his back story and it fit in very well with the story, not to mention that it was voiced over by Jason Lee. I love that bastard.

The ending actually left it wide open for a sequel, but in this case it was quite alright. It made it feel like the call for superheroes is never ending, so it all worked out nicely.

All in all, this movie is great, just like everything Pixar does and I cannot wait to see what they come out with next.

Base Score = 8
+1 for Pixar
-1 for ripping off other super heroes in comics
+1 for an awesome opening
+1 for team power usage
+1 for Jason Lee
= 10/10

Monsters, Inc. — 10

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0198781/

I love Pixar. I said it not that long ago, I’m saying it again. I love Pixar. This is my all time favorite move that they have ever made.

I won’t go too much into detail since I have seen this movie a ton of times. But just let it be known that I have tried to find flaws in this movie and I have been unsuccessful in every way. I only find 100% awesomeness!
Base Score = 10
+1 for yellow snow cones
+1 for not ever seeing the same type of monster more than once
+1 for the door idea
+1 for Pixar
+1 for awesomeness
+1 for making me bawl like a little girl at the end.
=16/10

Star Trek (XI) [2009] — 10

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0796366/

Now I love Star Trek and Star Wars equally. I do not favor one above the other, they both have their ups and downs. But I do not hold them against each other like one is the white supremacist and the other is a colored man. Who cares about the differences that much? Shit be in space, impossible things happen, it’s all awesome.

Now when I saw that they were making another star trek movie, my first thought was, oh god. We are screwed. Because the last movie they made with the TNG (The Next Generation) crew was terrible, one of the worst and boring movies of all time in my opinion. But this movie was focusing back on the TOS (The Original Series) and that peaked my interest. I was wondering how they were going to get William Shatner, and Leonard Nimoy back to play their parts. Well Nimoy came back, but Shatner was nowhere to be found. That’s ok. This movie gripped you from the get go and never let up.

This was also why a lot of fanboys hated it. It was a non-stop action fest with an intriguing story. Wait, what’s to hate about that? I’m sorry did they not go deep into the science of it like they usually do? Yes they did, it’s just not as profound as in the other movies. It’s there; it’s just hidden more to not bore the crap out of the normal population. But it exists, I promise you.

Now the intro was amazing. It set the pace for the whole movie, and the movie kept that pace. It was engaging, funny, interesting, and above all awesome. Now the intro in this movie actually had me crying. I mean damn near bawling. I have watched the entire first season of Star Trek TOS, but I never got further than that. So I know the background of it, but I was not expecting what I saw. The opening blew me away. And I know that when I saw this in theatres I was not the only one crying. I heard sniffles and some people actually straight out crying. I have never seen a movie do that to an entire audience like that ever before.

Now all of the actors did a remarkable job. I could not have chosen a better ‘replacement’ staff of the Enterprise then this collection of awesomeness. All of the actors did such a good job that after about 20 minutes or so in you don’t even realize that they replaced the old crew seamlessly. From the simple way they talk to the way they move and exhibit the exact behaviors of the original crew, it’s astonishing. I don’t think I have ever seen a better replacement in my life.

The other thing that really stood out to me was when they were on the ice planet, was that there were actually creatures. Mother fucking creatures! Star Trek never touched on the fact that there are other indigenous life forms on planets other than the intelligent one. Well this actually covers that, and let me tell you its fucking crazy scary. But it finally answers the question I have always had about why there were no other life-forms (other than plants) on class M planets.

Now the ending I almost saw coming. It was the only slightly disappointing part of the movie, and even saying that it was not so bad that it ruined it. Hell if you were thinking at all during the movie it damn near stood out, but there was no other possible way it could have ended. So it’s a good thing that they followed their plan for this movie.

All in all, this movie is amazing, flat out one of the best movies of the summer and I’m glad that I saw it in theatres. I am also amazed at the packaging for the movie.


Its shit like this that will keep people from pirating movies.

All in all this entire movie is amazing. Star Trek fan or not, this movie will surprise you on how good it actually is.

Base Score = 10
+2 for making me cry, in the intro
+1 for Leonard Nimoy
+1 for an excellent pace
+1 for amazing acting
+1 for picking out great replacement actors for the TOS crew
-1 for a predictable ending.
= 15/10

Up — 10

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1049413/

I love Pixar. I Love Lamp. I Love blog. I Love movies. Yes, I went there. That’s how fricken much I love the hell out of Pixar. They have consistently made top quality films ever since Toy Story. There has not been a single one of their movies that has been even below a 9 on my scale. I honestly want to say that they are my favorite filmmakers of the current generation.

The intro to this movie alone made me cry. That alone is a strong accomplishment, a double accomplishment even so because since it was at the beginning I had barely any time at all to associate with the characters. A triple achievement because Pixar told the story all without words, that’s right, the intro was a wordless beginning to awesomeness that made me tear up. I love you Pixar.

Oh! But the awesomeness doesn’t end there, no no no. I believe that it was John Lasseter who clearly defined Pixars position. It’s not about the ending or the beginning; it’s about the journey on how you get there. Strong words in my mind, but it is amazingly true. A lot of moviemakers and writers know how they are going to start and end. But it’s the middle part they struggle with. I assume that it’s the same for Pixar, but my god they don’t seem to have any trouble pumping out the amazing stuff that they do on a regular basis.

Now for those of you who have not seen this movie, the story is beyond excellent. Basically theres an old dude who doesn’t want to go to a retirement home, so he attaches a gazillion balloons to his house so he can float away to his dream location. All types of amazing stuff happens along the way that makes for an interesting and damn amazing movie. Not to mention that Pixar has a knack of making anyone watch their movies with a childlike sense of wonder and amazement. That shit never gets old let me tell you. There is nothing quite like feeling like a kid again.

And the talking dogs were my ultimate source of humor in this movie. It’s utterly fantastic really. Basically they have these collars that translate their thoughts into human speech. The bug alpha male of the pack has a problem with his shorting out quite a bit, so it turns his big deep manly voice into a high-pitched helium filled laughing fit. And that alone is only the tip of the iceberg for the dogs.
Now the ending damn near made me cry again. I really don’t know what it is about this movie that I associated with so much, but nothing has gotten me to cry like this ever while watching a movie. It’s just that fantastic of a film.

All in all GO SEE THIS MOVIE! It’s amazing and you’ll thank me for it later.

Base Score = 10
+3 for making me cry, in the intro, with no words
+1 for Pixar amazingness
+1 for amazing story
+1 for talking dogs
+1 for Dug.
+1 for making me cry……at the ending…..again.
= 18/10

The Twilight Saga: New Moon — 2

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1259571/

So I would first like to say that I had no intentions of ever seeing this movie, but my girlfriend has read all the books (mind you before the thought of turning them into movies ever occurred) so she had to go see it. I’ve taken her to quite a few bad movies, or ones that she did not want to see before, so I guess this was revenge on her part.

Now this movie was not as bad as I thought it would be. But even saying that it was by no means good. It may just have been tolerable because during the slow parts where no one was talking I just kept thinking back to the Twilight Rifftrax where when nothing was happening on screen they kept screaming out “LINE!” it translated over to this one just fine.

You know what pissed me off about this movie more than anything? The fucking director has no idea how to zoom out. Most of the time we are staring at a complete head on screen, from top to bottom, hair to chin. Hardly is there any other view. It’s like the floating head syndrome in movie posters. It fit certain times, but when you are talking about rebuilding a motorcycle, what’s so important in facial features that I have to be in all of the actors’ personal bubbles? It got so annoying that I wanted to move further back in the theatre just to not stare up all of the actors’ nostrils.

The other thing that got to me was that when I went to the movie, I was actually shocked to not be run over by a gaggling horde of 14-16 girls saying ‘like’ in every sentence. There were actually more 40 year old woman. That shocked me. What shocked me more was that when a man had his shirt off all of the woman screamed like they were in a strip club. I’m sorry; the kid is like 16, Way to go pedophiles. Now I need that fucker that trolls internet chat rooms trying to find guys who are pedophiles to just sit through one showing of this and see if he gets turned on by it. It got to me after about the first time, but it went on for about 16 times+.

No the story. What got to me the most, was that if you are going to imitate an old movie/story/Shakespearian play. Then NEVER REFERENCE IT IN YOUR MOVIE/BOOK! For the love o god, as soon as I saw it, I knew what was going down. Well not the exact manner in how it would play out, but if a fucking snail brainstormed the plot then they would have been able to figure it out.

Now the werewolves were awesome, they actually felt like true werewolves, with the exception that they can change at will, not by moonlight, and that they must follow the alpha’s rules and instructions. I’m sorry, they were badass, but why does this bitch have to change all of the rules of monsters? In the next movie we will have Frankenstein’s monster that wasn’t created with electricity, but was made out of 13,000 cut up dead hamsters. Oh and one toucan. WTF!?!?!?!?!?! STOP CHANGING SHIT BITCH! IT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE! With that out of the way, the wolves were still massively bad ass, and they made the vampires look like pussies.

Now the vampires finally got into the hierarchy of the way they rule. And let me tell you I was disappointed. First off there are only 3 high seats on the council, and 2 of them seem to have no reason for being there whatsoever, with the exception of being a yes man to the main vamp. They are boring and had to read what they are trying to get at. On top of that the main guy seems rather weak since he never displays why or how he got to that position. But a bonus point goes to sending in a touring group there, so that they could feed on them. That was genius.

All in all, unless you are an obsessive fangirl, avoid this movie like the plague. Yes it was better than the first one, but it is still as equally as boring as the first one. Thankfully some of the Rifftrax humor translated well into this one otherwise I might have fallen asleep.

Base Score = 4
+1 for being able to translate some of the Rifftrax into this one
-1 for seeing up the actors noses for most of the movie
+1 for pedophiles
-1 for gaggling at an underage kid wayyy to many times.
-1 for imitating something else and actually putting what you are imitating into the movie/book
+1 for the werewolves being awesome
-1 for that bitch Stephanie Meyer changing all creatures of legend.
-1 for a shitty high council for Vampires.
= 2/10

Mostly settled in

All right, it seems like we are mostly settled in in our new apartment, so the reviews can begin again. I actually went out to see New Moon this weekend, so that will be the first one to start off my new apartment. It will hit tonight at midnight CST.

Thanks for reading
-Bryce