The Twilight Saga: New Moon — 2

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1259571/

So I would first like to say that I had no intentions of ever seeing this movie, but my girlfriend has read all the books (mind you before the thought of turning them into movies ever occurred) so she had to go see it. I’ve taken her to quite a few bad movies, or ones that she did not want to see before, so I guess this was revenge on her part.

Now this movie was not as bad as I thought it would be. But even saying that it was by no means good. It may just have been tolerable because during the slow parts where no one was talking I just kept thinking back to the Twilight Rifftrax where when nothing was happening on screen they kept screaming out “LINE!” it translated over to this one just fine.

You know what pissed me off about this movie more than anything? The fucking director has no idea how to zoom out. Most of the time we are staring at a complete head on screen, from top to bottom, hair to chin. Hardly is there any other view. It’s like the floating head syndrome in movie posters. It fit certain times, but when you are talking about rebuilding a motorcycle, what’s so important in facial features that I have to be in all of the actors’ personal bubbles? It got so annoying that I wanted to move further back in the theatre just to not stare up all of the actors’ nostrils.

The other thing that got to me was that when I went to the movie, I was actually shocked to not be run over by a gaggling horde of 14-16 girls saying ‘like’ in every sentence. There were actually more 40 year old woman. That shocked me. What shocked me more was that when a man had his shirt off all of the woman screamed like they were in a strip club. I’m sorry; the kid is like 16, Way to go pedophiles. Now I need that fucker that trolls internet chat rooms trying to find guys who are pedophiles to just sit through one showing of this and see if he gets turned on by it. It got to me after about the first time, but it went on for about 16 times+.

No the story. What got to me the most, was that if you are going to imitate an old movie/story/Shakespearian play. Then NEVER REFERENCE IT IN YOUR MOVIE/BOOK! For the love o god, as soon as I saw it, I knew what was going down. Well not the exact manner in how it would play out, but if a fucking snail brainstormed the plot then they would have been able to figure it out.

Now the werewolves were awesome, they actually felt like true werewolves, with the exception that they can change at will, not by moonlight, and that they must follow the alpha’s rules and instructions. I’m sorry, they were badass, but why does this bitch have to change all of the rules of monsters? In the next movie we will have Frankenstein’s monster that wasn’t created with electricity, but was made out of 13,000 cut up dead hamsters. Oh and one toucan. WTF!?!?!?!?!?! STOP CHANGING SHIT BITCH! IT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE! With that out of the way, the wolves were still massively bad ass, and they made the vampires look like pussies.

Now the vampires finally got into the hierarchy of the way they rule. And let me tell you I was disappointed. First off there are only 3 high seats on the council, and 2 of them seem to have no reason for being there whatsoever, with the exception of being a yes man to the main vamp. They are boring and had to read what they are trying to get at. On top of that the main guy seems rather weak since he never displays why or how he got to that position. But a bonus point goes to sending in a touring group there, so that they could feed on them. That was genius.

All in all, unless you are an obsessive fangirl, avoid this movie like the plague. Yes it was better than the first one, but it is still as equally as boring as the first one. Thankfully some of the Rifftrax humor translated well into this one otherwise I might have fallen asleep.

Base Score = 4
+1 for being able to translate some of the Rifftrax into this one
-1 for seeing up the actors noses for most of the movie
+1 for pedophiles
-1 for gaggling at an underage kid wayyy to many times.
-1 for imitating something else and actually putting what you are imitating into the movie/book
+1 for the werewolves being awesome
-1 for that bitch Stephanie Meyer changing all creatures of legend.
-1 for a shitty high council for Vampires.
= 2/10